Interview with Chris Tiu

ni Iggy Llona

(*Blog entry ito ni Iggy. As always, panalo na naman. Lagi naman e. Creative Writer yata 'to no! Biruin mo, seatmate ko siya Aesthetics tapos nakausap/kinausap ko lang siya nung nangangalahati na ang sem. Tapos hindi ko alam na Creative Writing din ang course niya at ka-block ko pala siya. Hay, talagang nagiging insensitive din ako paminsan-minsan. Anyway, enjoy!)

Yesterday, I managed to get an exclusive interview with the man himself, Chris Tiu, brought about my curiosity over his questionable popularity (girls drop their panties for him everywhere he goes, something that I always scratch my head over). I'm sure each and every one of his fan girls (and boys) are drooling right now and probably up their neck in jealousy over the fact that I was able to sit down face-to-face with the idol of our times. I've been meaning to interview him for quite a while now, and yesterday was the only time I was able to lasso him away from his hordes of fans who were flanking him every minute. Here's how the interview went.

Iggy: (when Chris enters the room) Holy shit, ang gwapo mo pala talaga.

Chris: Thanks, dude. Kaso dati ko pa alam yan e. You don't have to state the obvious.

Iggy: Ah, ok boss. Anyway, thanks for allowing me to conduct this short interview. (shakes his hand)

Chris: No problem, dude. Actually, pwede mo na ipagyabang 'yan sa mga friends mo, na nakipag-shake hands ka sakin.

Iggy: Ah talaga?

Chris: Oo naman, sobrang maiinggit sila, tignan mo. Saka just the mere fact na kinakausap kita ngayon, pwede rin ipagyabang yan.

Iggy: Sige, I'll keep that in mind, kasi ganun nga ginagawa ko, nagyayabang sa friends ko (smirks). Anyway, I have a series of questions for you.

Chris: Go ahead, ask away. I can answer any question. Management Engineering ata ako sa Ateneo...

Iggy: (smirks) I'm sure you are.

Chris: ...at kumuha pa ko ng Applied Math and Finance ngayon. San ka pa? Di kaya ng ordinaryong tao 'yan.

Iggy: Oo na! Anyway, questions na. So, champion ka na rin, sa wakas! How do you feel?

Chris: Siyempre masaya, kasi sikat na naman ako. Biruin mo, I'm so famous na eh, tapos dumagdag pa 'tong championship ring na 'to. Eto nga o (holds up his finger with the ring), sobrang bagay sakin.

Iggy: Oo nga no.

Chris: Saka sobrang natuwa ako, kasi dadami na naman yung mga showbiz offers sakin. Balak ko ngang lumabas sa movie kasama si Manny Pacquiao eh, kasi I was so impressed with his latest movie "Anak ng Kumander," where he was with Ara Mina. It would be an honor to star in a movie together with a national hero. And another thing, he's also my co-host in GMA. Kapuso 'to, mehn. (pumps his chest with fist)

Iggy: So balak mo pala mag-showbiz?

Chris: Of course! Sa mukha kong 'to, pwede ba naman akong di mag-showbiz? That's like terminating a very reliable asset in the middle of an investment deal.

Iggy: Ha?

Chris: You see, assets equals liabilities plus equity. So if you take away the credit of a financial asset and replace it with a post-dated check together with the shipping--

Iggy: Okay, next question na. How do you explain the fact that the public loves you? As in iniidolo ka na kasi ng karamihan eh. Mas sikat ka pa kesa sa presidente natin ngayon, yung sino ba 'yun, Arroyo yata yung pangalan.

Chris: Ah, I like that question. Well, I think it's because of my being humble. Sobrang humble ko talaga, like you won't believe. You'll never hear me bragging about my superior intelligence and my being a dean's lister in Ateneo (sa most difficult course pa ng university yun ha). And I don't brag about the fact na sobrang galing ko sa basketball, na daig ko pa si Caidic pagdating sa three-point shooting, pati the fact na Jordanesque nako. And the fact that my family is so rich that we could feed an entire country, I'm still humble about that. Kahit sobrang yaman ko na, humble pa rin ako. I mean, look at my face! It looks like money. Saka yung good looks ko pala! Actually, "good looks" is an understatement eh. I still keep quiet over my undeniable handsomeness, kasi obvious naman na sobrang gwapo ko, di ba? Nakakagulat talaga, kasi parang diyos nako ngayon e, kaso umaapaw pa rin talaga yung humility ko. (a strong gust of wind throws the windows of the room open)

Iggy: Whoa, bigla atang lumakas yung hangin ah.

Chris: Oo nga e, I wonder why. May bagyo kaya?

Iggy: Anyway, next question. Do you seriously believe that you're a role model for today's youth?

Chris: Oo naman. Tinatanong pa ba yan. Everyone wants to be like me.

Iggy: Pero I don't see you as a role model eh.

Chris: (gasps in shock and clutches at his chest) WHAT?! Why not? You're so mean!

Iggy: Well, nabalitaan ko kasi na ayaw mong nanonood ng porno. Ano naman kaya yun?! Wala namang masama sa pagnood ng bold ah. Tapos tumakbo ka pa daw nung one time na nanood yung friends mo ng bold. Well, parang kabaklaan na sakin yun, e ayoko maging bakla.

Chris: No, that's not gayness. I'm just disgusted with stuff like that.

Iggy: So mas gusto mo man-to-man action?

Chris: Man-to-man? Parang yung pinapagawa ni coach Norman sa bawat half court defense namin?

Iggy: Hinde! As in...you know, espadahan.

Chris: Like in fencing?

Iggy: Shet, sayang! Malapit ka na e! Dederetsuhin na nga lang kitang hayup ka. Baka kasi mas gusto mong panoorin dalawang lalakeng nagkakantutan.

Chris: Um, I didn't say anything.

Iggy: Okay, I'll leave it at that.

Chris: Mas gusto ko pa kasi manood ng Spongebob Squarepants kesa mga porn films eh. Mas educational pa siya, and it provides joy to the youth and rakes in unbelievable amounts of hard cash every episode. So if we compute for the logistics of every liability of the show...

Iggy: Anyway, next question.

Chris: (takes out a columnar pad) ...and so we can see here in the balance sheet that the financial statements of the freight and shipping supplies of every episode is actually equal to the amount of fans that I accumulate every second, and if we subdivide the stratum between the epistemology of existence and the owner's equity of the incarnate being--

Iggy: HOY, TAMA NA NGA YANG PAG-ACCOUNTING MO!!!

Chris: I'm sorry, you were saying? Sobrang na-addict na naman kasi ako dito sa marketing and finance ko eh. Kasi matalino ko.

Iggy: Oo, alam ko na yon, pre. Moving on. Next question. Imagine if someone approached you in the street and said to your face, "Chris, you are GOD." What would you say to that?

Chris: I'd say, "DUH." Sa name ko pa lang kasi eh, it's obvious na. "Chris Tiu"--tanggalin mo lang yung "i" saka "u" magiging "CHRIST" na basa mo diyan.

Iggy: Aba, siyanga no! So ibig sabihin ba nun magaling ka sa Theology?

Chris: Once again, DUH. Didn't I already say that I'm good at everything?

Iggy: (slaps forehead) Nga pala, sorry Lord.

Chris: It's okay, you're forgiven.

Iggy: Yes! Anyway, now that you've mentioned your name, how do you feel about the fact na sobrang daming pwedeng gawing pun sa surname mo? For example, sa mga games pa lang eh. "Tiu-nami." "Tiu-perman." "Sharp Tiu-ter." "It's Tiu's-day." Di ka ba nababastusan na ginagamit yung family name mo nang ganyan?

Chris: Well, I feel flattered by it. Pero given na rin kasi yun eh. Sobrang accessible ko kasi para sa lahat ng tao. And to think na ginagawan nila ng pun yung name ko proves na sobrang famous ko na talaga.

Iggy: Kaso may danger din yan eh. Kasi pwede ring gamitin yung family name mo para sa "Tiu-per," as in drayber ng dyip. O kaya salitang bakla gaya ng "Tiu-vaness." O kaya naman "Tiu-pa-e-"--

Chris: Well, ang masasabi ko lang is...don't hate me 'cos you ain't me.

Iggy: Ah okay. (pabulong) Tiu-ntukin kita diyan eh.

Chris: I beg your pardon?

Iggy: Wala, sabi ko gwapo ka.

Chris: Ah, ok. Thanks, thanks. Kaso dati ko pa nga alam yun eh, so please, don't state the obvious anymore. Di nako nafa-flatter kasi yun nga e, obvious na since day one.

Iggy: Okaaay. Next question: Piolo or Sam? Pag di mo sinagot bakla ka.

Chris: Easy. I'll have to go with Sam, kasi sobrang galing niya rumebound, kahit walang sinabi yung chocolate looks niya sa angelic features ko. Tapos naging Rookie of the Year and MVP siya at the same time! He's a real behemoth, crashing the boards like a gorilla.

Iggy: Teka, teka! Hindi si Sam Ekwe! Si Piolo Pascual o si Sam Milby!!!

Chris: Ooooh, sorry, my mistake. A true Atenean admits his faults. Ayan, isa na naman yang reason kaya ako role model ng generation ko.

Iggy: O ano, sino nga?

Chris: I'm still gonna go with Sam, because he's really evolved after three years of playing in the NCAA. Dati one-dimensional player lang siya, puro dunk and rebound. Ngayon he can shoot the ball from up to 15 feet! That's really impressive. Impressive tulad ko.

Iggy: Hay nako. Last question na nga. Medyo personal 'to ah, kaya brace yourself. Naalala mo ba nung one time, tambak tayo ng La Salle ng 33 points, tapos nung second half umabot tayo within 10 points na lang? Tapos fastbreak, eh di pinasa sayo ni Tenorio yung bola para i-shoot mo ng lay-up? Ano nga ba uli nangyari dun?

Chris: Another "duh" moment right there. Of course the ball went clean through the hoop. Ano ba namang klaseng tanong 'yan, walang kachallenge-challenge. I can shoot from all areas of the court. Lahat kasi ng tirang ibato ko, pumapasok.

Iggy: Yan ang akala mo. Kasi from what I remember, sobrang kapos nung lay-up mong yun eh. Sa free throw line pa lang ata, nagtake-off ka na, parang bano. I have to admit, sobrang natawa ko sayo nung time na yun. At siyempre, dahil sa bokya mong tirang yun, talo tayo sa game. Sinira mo yung momentum ng team eh.

Chris: ...

Iggy: Chris?

Chris: (biglang humagulgol ng luha) WAAAAAAAAH!!!

Iggy: Whoa whoa whoa! Easy lang!

Chris: (lumuluha) Si LA kasi eh! Sobrang lakas ng pasa niya sakin nun! Di ko na-carry! Tapos ampanget pa ng humahabol na La Salista sakin nun, si Gaco! Natakot ako sa mukha niya kaya nalito ko!

Iggy: Sadyang ampanget nga naman ni Jerwin Gaco. I sympathize with you, mehn.

Chris: I--I can't take this anymore! I gotta get out of here! I gotta do some business-related thing that has something to do with Cheeky Chicken! Kailangan ko mag-compute ng mga math equations! Trigonometric dimensions of calculus lang yung makaka-appease sakin ngayon! (dashes out of the room)

Iggy: Um, okay. Thanks for the interview! Idol ka talaga!

So based on my interview, sobrang idol talaga si Chris Tiu. Let's review: he's a genius, he inspires erections everywhere (especially in women), he is richer than all of us, he has already surpassed Michael Jordan, and he is almost perfect (if not perfect already). We should all strive to be like him, because like he keeps on saying over and under and over again, he's the role model of our generation. Keep up the good work, Chris!